Kako se osećaš? / How Are You Feeling?

Zdravo svima!

U poslednje vreme sam se pozabavila načinom na koji izražavam emocije. Volim da emocije ne svrstavam u pozitivne i negativne, već prijatne i neprijatne. Taj stav sam davno usvojila i pomaže mi.

Čitav život imam poprilično intenzivne emocije i reakcije na događaje/ljude/mirise/tuđa raspoloženja/buku/povišen ton tokom razgovora… Uvek sam mislila da sam preosetljiva, drugi su mi govorili da treba da ojačam, suočim se sa time da je svet surov, kako ću da reagujem kad stignu pravi problemi, da nemam zašto da budem npr. tužna jer imam sve u životu…. Počela sam i sama sebi da držim predavanja o tome kako su mi unutrašnje reakcije malo burnije od vecine ljudi koje poznajem, zašto sam samo ja preplakala ceo film “Venčanje mog najboljeg prijatelja”, dok su se drugi smejali… Pre otprilike godinu dana sam saznala za termin HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) i to mi je promenilo sliku o tome zašto se često ne uklapam po pitanju reakcija/doživljavanja sveta i pomoglo da shvatim da nisam jedina.

Koga interesuje HSP tema, može procitati na Internetu o tome, preporučujem dr Elaine Aron. Literatura je, doduše, na engleskom. No, to nije tema ovog post-a.

 

Često se dešava da neke osnovne emocije, poput tuge, povređenosti, ne umemo da izrazimo, pa ih maskiramo drugom, mnogo moćnijom i destruktivnijom, a to je ljutnja (neretko i sam bes). Ako ne znate da prepoznate da ste tužni, razočarani, ili ako to na adekvatan nacin ne izrazite (verbalno, pisanjem dnevnika…), sasvim sigurno ćete emociju ostaviti da živi u vama, vrtećete se u začaranom krugu, postajati očajni… Ili ćete je lepo spakovati u sebe i ona će jednom, na neki svoj način, isplivati, ali tada je teško shvatiti odakle i čemu određena reakcija.

Da bih malo bolje ušla u srž svega toga, vratila sam se u detinjstvo i pokušala da se setim kako je moja porodica izražavala osećanja. Nisam uspela da se setim nijedne situacije gde je neko od odraslih bio ljut, besan, bespomoćan, tužan, uplašen… Ništa od toga se nije pokazivalo. I to je u redu, jer mi svi radimo onako kako smo naučeni. Zahvaljujući tome,imala sam savršeno detinjstvo, oslobođeno pritiska, uz podršku porodice sam uspela da prebrodim mnoge stvari. Druga strana medalje je da i dok sam bila mala, a i sada često, kada se naljutim ili rastužim, ja osetim iznutra sramotu, kao da nemam pravo da se tako osećam. Kao da sam zbog toga “neadekvatna” i “autsajder”. To prosto ne ide uz mene, odgovornu, ozbiljnu, pametnu, načitanu. Teško je osetiti nešto, a ne znati da to pokažeš, pa onda pređe u otpor, defanzivno ponašanje, često i samosažaljenje.

Prošle nedelje sam odlučila da izvedem mali eksperiment sama na sebi. Svaki put kada bih doživela neprijatnu emociju, napravila sam pauzu, pitala sebe šta mi je, zašto se tako osećam i pokušala što jasnije da opišem sve što mi se dešava u telu i glavi. Posle toga sam objašnjavala sebi da je u redu osećati se tako, da emocije dođu i odu i da je potrebno pustiti sebe da doživiš sve to, da bi moglo da se krene dalje.

 

http://onehdwallpaper.com/sad-girls-wallpapers-hd-pictures/

Evo do kog zaključka sam došla. Svaki put kada bih sebi bukvalno oprostila što osećam tugu/ljutnju/frustraciju, isplakala se kad mi dođe, pročistila se družeći se sa emocijom dok je tu, osetila sam kako polako prihvatam kod sebe stvari koje sam nekada odbacivala smatrajući da nisu socijalno prihvatljive, da me izdvajaju od ostalih, da sam “loša” jer mi se nešto dešava…

Prihvatam korak po korak to da ne mogu sa svima da budem u harmoničnim odnosima. Prihvatam da me pojedini ljudi i situacije izuzetno iscrpljuju i da je moje pravo kao čoveka da se zaštitim i sklonim se ako mogu. Prihvatam da nema onoga “srećno do kraja života” i da je to u redu. Prihvatam da ponekad pravim pogrešne izbore, snosim posledice i učim za dalje. Prihvatam da ne mogu sve da uradim kako sam zamislila, da ne ide sve po planu, da grešim, nekada i previše. Prihvatam da je u redu da sam manje produktivna i raspoložena kada sam izložena stresu i kad nisam naspavana. Prihvatam da mi treba vremena da napunim baterije, da volim da imam barem sat vremena za sebe, u tišini. Prihvatam da nemam rešenje za svaki problem, da nekada moram da se prepustim toku života i kasnije vidim šta ću.

I sve više sam zahvalna na svemu što imam. Kad se nešto loše desi, zahvalna sam što nije nešto gore, što sam uspela da se snađem.

A uz takav pristup svojim osećanjima, počinjem više da volim i poštujem sebe. Koža mi je manje tesna.

Manje kritikujem sebe i osećaj je neverovatan. Imam više energije i životne radosti.

Do sledećeg pisanja, dozvolite sebi da osetite ono što osetite, bez etiketiranja, prebacivanja i kinjenja sebe. Lepo je shvatiti da smo svi u istom sosu. Pitanje je kako ćemo pristupiti tome i olakšati svakodnevicu.

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Expressing my emotions is something I’ve been thinking of a lot lately. I generally don’t label emotions as “positive” and “negative”, but rather as “pleasant” and “unpleasant”. It helps a lot.

I have very intense emotions and response to everyday events/people/scents/other people’s moods/noise/people raising their voice… I always thought that I was too sensitive. Other people advised me to toughen up, face the fact that the world is a cruel place, how am I going to act when the real problems come up, that I absolutely have no reason to be sad because I have everything I ever wanted… Pretty soon I also started giving myself a hard time about my oh-so-intense reactions, asking myself why was I the only one in the room crying while watching “My best friend’s wedding”, and so on… Last year I found out about HSPs. I recommend Dr Elaine Aron if you want to learn more about it.

It’s very common not to be able to express some basic feelings, like sadness or hurt, thus transforming them into more powerful and destructive ones, like anger. If you can’t recognize sadness or disappointment, and express them properly (in words or maybe journaling), the emotion is likely to stay within you until you find yourself in a vicious circle, become desperate… Or, you’ll repress it and it will eventually find its way out in a form of a temper tantrum or completely inappropriate response.

In order to understand this process in a more profound way, I’ve been recalling my childhood and the way my family expressed their feelings. I couldn’t remember a single time when adults were angry, outraged, helpless, sad, scared… They never showed it. And that’s OK, we all act as taught. I had a perfect childhood because of it and was free from pressure. My family showed support and helped me through tough and shitty times. On the other side, as a child and now as an adult, I often feel ashamed when angry or sad, as if I don’t have the right to feel that way. As if that somehow makes me “inappropriate” or “an outsider”. It just doesn’t suit my personality since I’m responsible, serious, smart, educated and all. It is hard to have a certain feeling and not being able to express it, which further leads to defensive behavior and self-pity.

Last week I decided to experiment a little. Every time I had an unpleasant feeling, I took a break, asked myself to be specific about bodily sensations and overall state I was in. After that I would tell myself that it is OK to feel that way, that feelings come and go and that it is necessary to experience them and let them go in order to move on.

Here’s the conclusion. Every time I literally forgave myself for feeling sad/angry/frustrated, had a good cry, purged myself by hanging out with the feeling while it’s fresh, I felt I was slowly accepting parts of myself I used to reject, see as socially unacceptable and keeping me away from others, making me feel “bad”.

I take baby steps towards accepting the fact that I can’t be in a harmonious relationship with everyone. I accept that certain people and situations drain the heck out of me and that I have the right to protect myself and get away. I accept that there is no “happily ever after”. I accept the fact that I make wrong choices, suffer the consequences and learn my lessons. I accept that things often don’t go as planned, that I make mistakes, a bunch of them actually. I accept that it is OK to be less productive due to stress and lack of sleep. I accept that I need time to recharge, that I love scheduling some ‘me’ time in silence. I accept that I don’t have a solution to every problem, that sometimes all I can do is go with the flow and make plans as I go.

And I am more grateful for everything I have. When shit hits the fan, I am thankful for the way I deal with it.

I love and respect myself more. I feel more comfortable in my own skin.

It’s so powerful when I don’t criticize myself excessively. I have more energy, I enjoy life more.

It is nice realizing that we are all humans. Let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling, without labeling, nagging and picking on yourself.

Leave a comment, I would love to hear what you think.

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